Thoughts on Jonah

So I've been thinking a lot about Jonah ever since a friend sent me this video...



Yeah... been there! :) Sometimes I think I LIVE there. LOL. Okay, it's actually not really funny. I've just noticed more and more lately my tendency to avoid things that I don't want to do. Example: I used to be addicted to this online to-do list thing. (LOVE To-Do lists!) It was cool. You set up the list and your goals and it walks you through things, and then every time you check someone off the list, it gets highlighted and a box pops up that says "Target accomplished!" and you're like YEA!!! Go me! I think there should be little fireworks or something, kind of like there are when you beat Spider Solitaire, but that's mixing addictions... anyway. So I was addicted to this program, except something got put on the list that I was really struggling with finishing (final edits on a manuscript I finished in August. Yes, August!).

So I got sick of seeing the edit goal always slipping through the cracks. And did the most logical thing-- I muscled down and did it! Um, wait... no... that's not it. I stopped using the program. Doh!

But actually, that's just a small example. What I'm really referring to is a much deeper issue. Something that happened a long time ago. I buried it very deep, and it took a long time to resurface. I had always thought of myself as a fairly honest person. I wasn't perfect, but I sure tried. I was often told I wore my heart on my sleeve. And I liked that label just fine.

What I didn't know was the depth to which I had been lying to myself. Some weird stuff happened that shook me up and apparently uncovered the things I didn't want to face. I continued to deny it for a long time. Convinced it was just some irrational fear, or nightmares that were unconnected to my real life.

Sounds a little like Jonah on the run, huh? Yep.

I've been thinking about what it must have been like, when he was swallowed by that fish. GROSS! Think about it... three days INSIDE a fish. EWW!! Stomach acids all over your skin. Getting jerked around all over the place. Struggling for each breath. What air there was must have been HORRIBLY stinky. Gah. Maybe I'm a pessimist, but I'd be pretty sure I was going to die.

There's a prayer in the book of Jonah in the Bible-- where he cries out to God from inside the fish. Pretty desperate sounding stuff.

Then the fish spits him back on the land. And Jonah finally relents and goes to Nineveh.

Anyway. So... the good news is that I am happy to report I have not been swallowed by a fish.

But... I also know, that the time is running out, or has run out, for me to be a big girl and face this thing.

Like that song by Third Eye Blind (Jumper):

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
Cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in..."

"Everyone's got to face down their demons
Maybe today you can put the past away..."

So-o-o... that's been part of my struggle with this new manuscript. Both the central characters have been through similar but different experiences, and I'm finding it awkward and even painful to step into their shoes and explore their responses to these things.

Anyway. So that's my story. I ended NaNo with just over 30K words. But I intend to continue working on this project. I'd like to see the manuscript finished by January 1, 2009.